Dear Dr. Trembleberry,
I'm romantically interested in a work colleague. She seems to like me too, but I think my gas is pushing her away. The other day we were having lunch and I accidentally let out a huge bubbly fart that smelled like burned, rotten eggs. Ever since then, she's kept her distance. What can I do so I won't lose the potential woman of my dreams?
— Frantically Farting
Dear Frantically,
First of all, I must strongly advise you to stop using the word fart. Flatulence is a very serious subject, and you must mature to where such crude references are eliminated from your vocabulary.
That said, I have a very simple solution: buy my book, Flatulence and Your Career. It makes perfect sense that your (hopefully) future girlfriend is keeping her distance. No one wants to hang out with the smell of rotten eggs, now do they? What if the roles were reversed? Let's say, for example, you end up together and she has a horrid gas explosion during passionate lovemaking? You might be stand-offish too! But all is not lost. Flatulence and Your Career features an expanse of suppression techniques to keep your methane emissions at bay. Once you learn to master those techniques—or as I refer to it, become a true "flatuoso"—you can keep your intestines under control and woo her over. Perhaps you can even inspire her to participate with you in the gas suppression exercises I outline in my book! Best of luck in your quest to a happily-ever-after devoid of intestinal embarrassment.
— Lars
Dear Dr. Trembleberry,
My college best friend and I recently got our first jobs at the same company. The other day when we were washing our hands in the bathroom, my friend let out one of the loudest, most awesomest farts ever! We both laughed so hard we were crying, not realizing our boss was in one of the stalls doing his morning thing. We apologized over and over, but he just walked out without a word. Did we just fart away our careers?
— Gassy Worried
Dear Worried,
It's quite possible that you did some damage. Coincidentally, in my book Flatulence and Your Career, I have a chapter devoted to maturing your childish gaseous habits titled "Flatulence Tips for the Recent Grad."
If you want to get anywhere in your company you must grow up and stop thinking of flatulence as an entertainment vehicle. No matter how massively talented your sphincters and anuses are, that talent will get you nowhere! And I must note, growing up starts with avoiding the word fart, a term I abhor with every fiber of my being (and virtually nonexistent in my book).
Flatulence and Your Career is devoted to helping you develop proven skills to suppress and manage even the most painful, olfactory-damaging bouts of gas. You'll learn how to condition your anus, sphincter, intestines, and entire body to physically and emotionally hide your problem. That applies to any office (or personal) scenario, too.
Until you can achieve suppression master status, your number one task is to convince your boss that you made a huge mistake. I suggest cozying up to his assistant, find out what he likes to drink, and get it for him. Don't scoff if he prefers $500-a-bottle single malt scotch. The overwhelming majority of upper management executives drink a lot! And they expect only the best. Going cheaper is like repeating the insult of your original flatulence incident. Best wishes in suppression and your career!
— Lars
Dear Dr. Trembleberry,
I work as a mid-level manager at a leading software company helmed by a 60 year-old CEO who constantly passes gas at work. It's not especially smelly, just loud and disruptive. The reason I'm writing you is that our literally brilliant CEO thinks this is funny—a grown man nearing retirement age for Pete's sake!
In meetings, and without warning, he'll stand up and "let one," as they say. The sound frequently resembles those annoying airhorns people blast at football games. What's worse, is that if you don't laugh, he doesn't think you're a team player. It's getting harder and harder to force even a slight grin anymore. I love my job, and I'm considered on track to get promoted. But this is really getting old. Any advice?
— Ears Burning
Dear Burning,
I must wholeheartedly commend you on the mature way you're handling this, which is far better than your CEO! Considering his age, your childish boss has likely conditioned his body to actually crave flatulating; his mind poisoned by an uncontrollable desire to show off.
In my book, Flatulence and Your Career, I provide numerous tips on what to do in almost any gaseous episodic situation in the office. Those, however, are for the average worker, not a C-level executive. I sense that C-level performance flatulence may be rare, but I have an idea. Since your CEO thinks flatulence is so funny, I suggest buying him a copy of Flatulence and Your Career. Give it to him with a smile and say, "I saw this and thought you might enjoy it."
On the surface, he might find my buttocks-pressing, anal sucking techniques amusing. But I can assure you that if he reads the entire book, his amusement will turn to fascination. For example, I devote an entire chapter to how I helped three famous C-level executives with uniquely horrid gas problems ("Real Corporate Flatulence Stories"). One of these executives is a leader in your industry. His gas, in fact, once caused his staff to rewrite the code to a software that would ultimately change the world as we know it!
I truly believe that the multiple training and tips within Flatulence and Your Career could bring about real change in your boss. My book will inspire him to suppress his emissions, and dampen his will to flatulate for a momentary cheap laugh. If, for any reason, this 60 year-old adolescent doesn't learn to control his "airhorn" volume gas? As I eluded to earlier, that sort of flatulence tomfoolery is rare. There are plenty of other companies helmed by CEOs with proper flatu-etiquette you can work for. Good luck!